Shift of focus

The one thing I was told repeatedly, and that I always wanted to avoid, was that your conversations as an adult change dramatically after you have a child.  I’ve run into a lot of new parents in which the only things they can talk about after the birth of their child… is their child.  Whether it’s something cute that they did, some new illness to watch out for, or any number of things, I was always wary of speaking to people with children.  I found myself wondering why that was all they seemed to be able to talk about.  Now I am a parent myself.  Guess what?  Yep… I find that all of my conversations revolve around my daughter.

The reasons for it are pretty obvious though, once you’re in it.  As the stay at home dad, there is literally nothing else for me to talk about.  Many of my previous interests and hobbies have to be put to the wayside in order to focus on my daughter.  In order to make sure she is healthy and happy, anything else that I was interested in, at least for the first few months, are inconsequential.  I find that any time I would try to pick up these hobbies again, something would come up with the baby that would break my concentration.  She’s hungry, she needs her diaper changed, she needs attention, she just wants to cry… I don’t know about you, but I hate doing something in starts and fits.  I like a focused and continuous time period to do anything, and anyone with a child will know that it’s near impossible with a newborn.  Hell, from what I’ve seen from my friends with kids, it’s near impossible until they move out of the house.

That being said, the content of my new conversation, at least lately, centers on the least appetizing part of being a parent.  Poop.  Seriously… poop.  That or pee.  That’s about it.  I’d say roughly 80% of my conversations with other adults recently is how much or how often my daughter poops or pees.  And it’s very frank and blunt conversation. I won’t go into details, as really, you don’t need or want to know them, but these conversations just get strange.  The funniest thing is that when you talk to other parents about it, they will happily engage in that conversation.  You will get commiseration, funny anecdotes, factual data, or just knowing nods, but other parents of children (primarily babies) will gladly involve themselves in conversations about your child’s waste extermination without hesitation.  Sometimes it makes me wonder about the sanity of parents during those first few months.  Since I’m currently engaged in it though, I try not to dwell too much on it.  I already know I’m a bit loopy… might as well not add to it.

Now, after all of that, you must wonder if I’m actually for or against having a child.  “He sounds like he’s kind of miserable, since he’s complaining about talking about poop with other people.”  Admittedly, there are times I sit there after a conversation about said topic and scratch my head.  Then I return to my daughter, and she proceeds to pee or poop herself, and she’ll make a face.  Of all of the faces that I have made or seen in my lifetime, I find hers the funniest.  I probably can’t do it any justice by description, but her eyes tend to cross, her face sort of elongates, and she forms a small “o” with her lips and just generally looks really confused.  Anyway, I see this, and I just burst out laughing pretty much every time.  Then I realize, “Oh… this is why people like kids.  It makes them happy.” 

It’s a stupid realization to make, and I make it basically every time, but it’s a welcome break from my usual downer state of mind.  She consistently makes me smile, even after she’s spent a full day crying, fussing, and generally causing me a headache.  There is something healing about the look a happy baby gives you when she sees you as the source of her happiness.  And I realize that’s why that’s all parents can seem to talk about sometimes is their kid.  They fill up so much of your heart that there really is no room for anything else.  Nothing else is really important comparatively.  I don’t think it’s something that can be understood until you have one of your own. 

(As a caveat, be sure you’re ready to have one, and not having one just because you want something to love you unconditionally.  They’re a LOT of work, and if you’re not ready to give of yourself, you won’t get anything back)

I’m watching her sleep right now, and maybe it’s just cause I’m tired, but in all honesty it’s probably just because I love her so much, but I teared up a little.  It amazes me just how strongly I feel for her, and how much I want to make her happy.  Yeah, there are times I want to put her out on the balcony when she’s crying for no discernible reason, but when I come back to my senses, I realize that she does that because she needs me, and it makes me feel good about myself when I can actually serve that need and make her happy again. 

Anyway, the point of all this was that since having her,  I’ve fought against falling into the conversation trap that is being a new parent.  It has caused some problems for myself and my wife, as being torn between being an individual and being a parent can lead to serious friction.  I’m working at being better, but there are always dips.  Ultimately, her happiness should be my goal, and anything else on top of that is just icing on the cake. 

Unprepared

So I know people always tell you that once you have a baby, that you will no longer have free time.  However, it never really hits you until you go through it yourself.  It just hit me.  It kinda sucks.

I love my daughter, and I will do whatever it takes to keep her happy, but it’s amazing how much of your time is devoted to just keeping the baby from crying.  She really does cry over everything.  Hungry, tired, cold, hot, gassy, need a diaper change, need some attention, and any number of unknown factors that would cause her to cry.  Heck, I’ve heard that they just cry to cry. 

As a first time father, that’s a little disconcerting.  I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time telling any of the cries apart, so the time is always spent doing EVERYTHING to get her to calm down.  From step A to step Q, you have to just keep going until something you do calms her down.  And sometimes, you get to Q, and it STILL hasn’t worked, and you either have to come up with a new one, or just start all over again, because you don’t know if you soothed the first thing, and something from one of the earlier things popped up in the meantime.  All this happens while you’re trying to deal with your day to day things, and trying to find SOME time for yourself so that you don’t feel like your entire self-identity has been subsumed by this little crying bundle.  When you finally get her calmed down, you get set to go do something, and she might start right back up again.  It almost feels like I’m back at my tech support job.  The only difference is that at least my daughter is cute.

But seriously, it is tiring.  It feels like you’re constantly fighting an uphill battle, trying to keep yourself calm and collected while dealing with a little flailing, crying, upset baby.  This can fray your nerves, and make you snap at everyone around you.  I mentioned before how my relationship with my wife has become a bit strained at times.  They say that most marriages feel a loss in satisfaction with the relationship after the birth of a baby.  I can completely understand that.  I’m not saying that I’ve reached that point, but there are points where I feel some pretty negative feelings towards my wife, and she towards me, because we’re just too frazzled to see that we’re both trying our best to remain ourselves while taking care of our little girl. 

After experiencing all these things for myself, I don’t understand how some people can believe that having a baby will somehow save a relationship.  The time and energy needed to take care of a baby, the emotional investment, it’s HUGE.  It is probably the roughest period for a relationship, because you have no time to concentrate on each other whatsoever.  If you want to be a good parent, you have to devote all of your energy into your child until they are at least a little self sufficient, which definitely does not describe an infant.  So you’re looking at, at least, 2 years where you’re just going to be drained emotionally.  That doesn’t speak well for a relationship.

Not to say having a child is a bad idea.  There is a sense of fulfillment when you see your child being happy.  The payoff takes a little longer than most of us might be used to, but as that old cliché goes, anything worth it usually takes longer.  The sacrifices necessary to raise a child are worth it if that child grows up into someone you can be proud of.  At least, that should be the goal all parents aim for.  It really is all about them, not yourself.  I just think you have to be ready for that, as much as possible.  Of course, I don’t think anyone is ever fully ready.  There’s always that learning curve at the beginning.

Diaper Duty

As I mentioned before,  I’ve never changed a diaper prior to having my daughter.  Now that she’s been here for a while, boy has that ever changed.  There are some pretty funny and interesting things that you learn when you get into the habit of changing diapers.

I doubt it’s specific to me, but I swear my daughter waits until I change her diaper to poop.  She’ll have on a diaper for a few hours, and happily pee into it until it’s completely soaked, but that’s all.  As soon as we switch her to a new diaper, you’d hear her fart and wham, poopy diaper.  The funniest thing is while I’m changing her, I’d swear she’d smirk at me…

It’s also strange to me what you can get used to after changing diapers for a little while.  While I’m still not all that pleased about the smell (despite my wife insisting there’s no offensive odor about it) I’m nowhere near as grossed out as I used to be.  I won’t describe color, texture, or consistency, but let’s just say that newborn poop is not what you’re used to.  However, I have grown used to it, and now I can clean up my little girl without gagging at the first moment I open the diaper.

In fact, since we’ve recently changed to cloth diapers (more like reusable, since cloth is far to simple a term to use for these things) I’ve had to hand wash her diapers after she’s used them, and let me tell ya… that’s an experience.  Having to scrap that stuff off into the toilet is… not fun.  I use a tissue, so I’m not poop diving, but for anyone who has ever picked up after their dog on the street (and that should be everyone who owns a dog) it’s an unpleasant feeling when you feel the heat coming off of that stuff.  However, you do eventually get used to getting the stuff on your hands and not freaking out and having to scrub your hands until you’re bleeding.  I can’t imagine how anyone with OCD can be around a baby.

That’s probably the most amazing thing about all of this to me.  I went from never having changed a diaper to hand-washing reusable diapers, and I’m not freaking out.  It was a pretty seamless transition.  I still make weird faces whenever my daughter poops, but that’s just the kind of guy I am.  I still love her though, I still give her plenty of kisses.  I just have to remember to wash my hands thoroughly after changing her.  Otherwise… pink eye.  Blech.